Return of the Jedi?

I'm back.

We are nearing the end of July 2013. This is my first blog Of the year. What has brought me back?

The Winter was slow moving. The Holiday Season had me in relaxation mode. Too much relaxation turned into apathy.  So I hid from the world.

When Spring came and went, and I still was without energy, it was time to sound the alarm. I had not kept in touch with my circle of friends. I stopped making cards and jewelry. I didn't want to move beyond the comforts of home.

I was in trouble. I started to buy things I didn't need to keep happy.  I surrounded myself with vourful markers, pens and paper to feel better. I looked for holes in my marriage. I started to tell myself I was a horrible wife and mother. I felt guilty for taking up space and taking in oxygen. Yuck!

I had slipped back into the throes of depression and I knew it. This time I was determined to take the electric toaster into the bath with me. I was going to buy rat poison from Walmart and eat it for breakfast. I decided there was no point to leave a note. So long as I made sure they knew how much I loved them. Each one.

I texted my sisters. "I love you very much."  My parents, my brother got their texts too. There!  All done. Except my timing was off and they caught on. Next time, draw the bath and have the toaster ready. Or have the rat poison next to a glass of water with me in bed. Or, send emails with future dates for auto delivery.

Now, I have to see the doctor as my husband marches me in. A family member will be supervising me at all hours of the day and night. And my son would not be with me unsupervised.

Weeks later, with new doses of medication, I'm back. Thanks to those who acted on their instincts. Thanks to my tireless, loving and committed husband. Thanks to my most wonderful mother in law. Thanks to my little boy who tells me every day that he loves me and means it so absolutely.

Call me Jedi. I am one with the force.

Step by Step...

From where I am standing, I am amazed when I consider how I started.  Had I known what I know now, I may have never even started.  I would be too overwhelmed. 

Sometimes, it IS better not to know.  If we were to start counting the cost to get to where we are now, we would have gotten stuck somewhere in the theoretical, the seemingly impossible.  "Quit while you're ahead" would have sounded logical.

When we are a little too smart for our own good, we can't realize the strength that grows from struggling, or the satisfaction of accomplishment, or the confidence that comes from succeeding after failing. 

The image I selected above tells only part of my message.  I want to show a strong, muscled, climber with a backpack, a hat and a walking stick to symbolize the "ready for battle", well-equiped "adventurer".  The stairs symbolize the upward progression we should all strive for in life's journey.  And the green USA money steps - symbolize what we should NOT aim for.  When money is our goal, we are cultivating, among other things, a love for it.  "The love of money is the root of all evil."  Rather, aim for the loftier things...train up a child, build a community, share, encourage, empower.

When I started Buzzy Beez Giftz, I did not fully realize where I wanted to end up.  I still don't.  But, the journey has been enriching, exciting, empowering!  I still want to take more steps.  I have gained more than I have lost.

What's your goal?  Are you up for the journey?  Remember, if it is overwhelming to look beyond the next step or two, then turn away from that.  Just let yourself take one step.  This one little step.  Be present!

Need a little push or encouragement, or just an ear?  Contact me.

*****************************

Inward Turmoil

Is there someone who has not experienced turbulence?  In an airplane, our minds no longer believes whole heartedly that it is safe to be 30,000 feet in the air.  The moment we step into an airplane, the cozy and warm cabin tricks us into thinking it's fine to fly higher than even some birds.

The moment the plane shakes, it is as if our brains get rattled out of its slumber.  We start to look around, take in a deep breath or two, and then automatically looks outside the windows.  Funny how even though we don't really believe we'll be in imminent danger, we know something of science is at work.  This science is a little miracle many of us cannot explain in great detail.

Now, take a moment to consider the kind of turbulence we feel in the pit of our stomach.  The kind that only we can feel acutely, individually and fitfully.  There is no way to get at it with our bare hands.  The frown between our eyebrows begins to show.  We start to sink lower and lower, deeper and deeper into darkness.  A battle within us ensues.



So many times, I've felt the tug and pull of inner wrestling.  Silence makes the battle cries too loud to think clearly and peacefully.  Staring directly into it is like a hundred thousand drummers marching in circles around us.  Our screams go unheard and our tears drown us.  Where is help?

No many how many times I've been there, I have never found the way of escape.  Escape comes when it comes.  The inward suffering dissipates just as quickly and suddently as it appeared.  What have I learned?

Hang on!

**********************************************

Something Lost...

© Amar Qamar

I had it once, now it’s gone
Like a knot it’s been undone
Was once so tight, now so slack
Happy times I wish I could have back
I sit a home, and feel so lonely
It’ll be great if that was all, if only…
Zombie on the outside, the living dead
But so many questions floating around my head
Confusions rains down, it pours
Pandora’s Box, I’ve opened the doors
No sign of anyone who can help
No sense of feelings or of myself
Where I can find the answers
Who am I? What am I?
Am I a dream? Or am I the dreamer?
Am I a thought? Or a complex computer,
How do my thoughts start? What makes them end?
What makes me do this? What makes me do that?
I know I overanalyze, I can’t help it
Thinking and gazing into space, as I sit
Why can’t I accept the wisdom of those around
Not letting myself accept the answers I’ve found
I want to free myself from my mind
And not just to pretend
Everything’s okay everything’s fine
I want to be NORMAL… When it’s going to end….

Source: Depression and Anxiety, Mental Illness Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/depression-and-anxiety#ixzz261Cn1b7e
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Buzzy Beez Giftz

Do good things really come to those who wait?

buzzy beez giftz
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151075830150129.486992.704045128&type=1&l=e5552fcc75

Something good has happened.  I am careful not to get overwhelmed so as to trigger bad outcomes for my health, particularly my mental health.  I want to continue to enjoy making greeting cards, jewelry and crafts slowly, without any pressure to meet quotas.

My goal is to keep doing what I enjoy with my hobby.  If I can supplement our household income by a penny here, a penny there, bonus!  

For a person who suffers with mental illness, each day is different from yesterday.  There is no guarantee that the creative juices will flow today.  So, I do not demand too much of myself.  I want to enjoy my home based business one little project at a time.  And, if someone wants to buy something I've created, I say "thank you".  Pay it forward.

******************************

"And that's a Good Thing"

 I have been making greeting cards since 2009.  My neighbour was very kind to invite me to a card camp party.  I was new in the area, so meeting other ladies and learning something new seemed very exciting and refreshing.  I am so glad I went.  I had fun, and time proved that good things would continue to come.

My husband supported me by allowing me to spend money here and there to purchase tools of the trade.  Kijiji, yard sales, local businesses, and my neighbour helped me complement my collection.  Family members encouraged me by using my cards and with their kind words. 

 This card is VERY special.  It is the first card that "hit the spot" for me.  Every thing came together nicely.  This is the first card since I started making cards that I would borrow from Martha Stewart's "And that's a Good Thing"!  I hope you like it too.

When something nice and happy happens in your mental illness journey, the moment is so much more memorable.  Your heart knows you've done well.  A part of you secretly jumps with joy because you never knew when this would come again.  You debate whether you should acknowledge it because you don't want to scare it away.  Or, you're afraid this is only a dream.  You walk around as quiet as you can so as not to wake from your dream.  Yet, it is in the waking, celebrating, and taking that makes it all the more sweeter.  

Have you ever made something that gives you satisfaction, affirmation and a "sweet hallelujah" all at once?  I hope so.  Then, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Words fail to describe such a monumental celebration!  And, if you don't, keep at it.  Don't give up.  It will come to you.  The wait and hard work are worth it.

I highly recommend it!

***********************************************************************************

"And that's a Good Thing." ~ Martha Stewart

Too Busy To Blog?!

I am hard pressed to believe that I've gotten behind with my blogging.  I enjoy writing, reflecting, communicating the gems of discovery from moment to moment.  Now, I realized that I have been weeks behind.  How did this happen?

Well, I started a new hobby.  I decided to try something new.  And, I wanted to invest every waking moment perfecting my skills.

Then, something else wonderful happened.  For the first time in years, since I got sick, I was encouraged to take a vacation.  Many people paved the way for this to happen.  My in-laws opened their home to my son.  My husband took me along on his business/training trip.  My sister gave me buddy passes that allowed for cheaper travels.

I've returned from my vacation.  I was able to put some of my crafts in consignment stores for sales and display.  And, I've found a few more avenues to expand my craft, pay for my expenses and even a "workshop" in my home.

The dust hasn't yet settled.  I am still in a flurry of activities and projects.  And, yes, there are still days when I do not want to get out of bed.  Unfortunately, mental illness did not leave me.  But, I have noticed that there are more reasons to get me out of bed.  There are more ideas popping into my head.

And, the best of all...I have to balance how I spend my time!  Alas, to have too much time to do it all...what a wonderful gift!  I am alive again!!!

Superman's Song - Crash Test Dummies

I was the Atlantic Superstore this evening, and someone touched my heart.  An elderly gentleman was ahead of me in the cashier's line up, and the cashier was telling him that her computer was telling her that the garlic bread he had chosen was $2.99, not cheaper as he was led to believe.  He told her that he verified the lower cost with a staff member beforehand.  She called for her manager. The manager tried to adjust the cost to the lower one, but the computer "did not let her."  She said, "Sorry, dear.  There's nothing we can do."  And, off she went to put out another "fire".

By this time, I had surmised what the issue was and mentioned softly to the cashier that this gentleman should get the bread for free for his patience and this embarassing situation.  The line up is growing by now.  The cashier was a very young woman who was conscientious of her responsibilities more than the "real world" situation she's reluctant to be in.  So, I said, "Rules are meant to be broken."  No one will know outside of the three of us.  "I can't," she said, "I can get fired!"  Fair enough.

Well, if she also can't help, what can I do?  Then it occurred to me that I can ask the cashier to ring the bread with the rest of my groceries.  It'll be my treat.  I didn't think my husband would mind.  In fact, I KNOW he wouldn't.  The gentleman showed me his heart surgery scars, and his calves that are purplish blue in colour due to bad circulation, and mentioned that he is waiting for hip surgery. 

When he realized that I would buy his garlic bread for him, he told me that I didn't have to do that.  He and his wife will just have to do what they do all the time when the money runs out after medication, rent and the necessary incidentals.  She sent him to the store to get milk and bread and he couldn'nt even get bread.  That was what they will be having until more money comes in. 

My heart was filled to the brim with sadness.  Surely, helping the needy would cost more than $2.99!  I don't have a steady income because I, myself, is on disability due to my mental illness.  This wasn't the time to talk about me.  I continued to listen to my new friend.  He wanted to know what my name was so he can get his wife to thank me.  I told him not to worry about it, and that I was glad to help.  (I am not bragging...I am trying to tell you that I have been reminded that it doesn't take a lot to lend a hand.)

Something tugged at my heart, so I looked inside my wallet to find a piece of paper where I can write my name and phone number.  Next to that paper was a gift certificate of $10 for Subway.  My husband had won that at some event a while ago and had given it to me.  I passed it on to him after scribbling my name and phone number for my friend.  (Giving my name and contact information to a stranger is not something one does regularly.  I certainly didn't.  Why I chose to trust this stranger is lost on me.)

He never told me his name.  I'm glad he didn't.  I am remembering him by his face, his chest scars, his bad legs, and his upcoming hip surgery.  He called me an angel.  This made me think of Genesis 18, where the Lord and two angels visited Abraham and Sarah in the middle of the day.  Abraham and Sarah hosted them, and this account became a recorded event in one of the most read books of all time.  Abraham was told that he and Sarah (who was eavesdropping) would have a son.

I was placed in that moment so that I would experience how wonderfully empowering it would be to help and to need help.  I am thankful for this opportunity. This situation has changed me.  Someone who is sick can help someone who is in need.  When we think we have nothing, there is probably someone else who has less. If you are given the opportunity to help, and it is within your means, do it!  Do not let the opportunity pass you by. 




Have you heard the song titled "Superman's Song" by the Crash Test Dummies?  The words agree with what I experienced today.  It is good "food for thought."

************************************

"Superman's Song"

Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle
But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent
He would not be caught sittin' around in no
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing

[Chorus:]
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes
But he could hardly string together four words: "I Tarzan, You Jane."

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home