Step by Step...

From where I am standing, I am amazed when I consider how I started.  Had I known what I know now, I may have never even started.  I would be too overwhelmed. 

Sometimes, it IS better not to know.  If we were to start counting the cost to get to where we are now, we would have gotten stuck somewhere in the theoretical, the seemingly impossible.  "Quit while you're ahead" would have sounded logical.

When we are a little too smart for our own good, we can't realize the strength that grows from struggling, or the satisfaction of accomplishment, or the confidence that comes from succeeding after failing. 

The image I selected above tells only part of my message.  I want to show a strong, muscled, climber with a backpack, a hat and a walking stick to symbolize the "ready for battle", well-equiped "adventurer".  The stairs symbolize the upward progression we should all strive for in life's journey.  And the green USA money steps - symbolize what we should NOT aim for.  When money is our goal, we are cultivating, among other things, a love for it.  "The love of money is the root of all evil."  Rather, aim for the loftier things...train up a child, build a community, share, encourage, empower.

When I started Buzzy Beez Giftz, I did not fully realize where I wanted to end up.  I still don't.  But, the journey has been enriching, exciting, empowering!  I still want to take more steps.  I have gained more than I have lost.

What's your goal?  Are you up for the journey?  Remember, if it is overwhelming to look beyond the next step or two, then turn away from that.  Just let yourself take one step.  This one little step.  Be present!

Need a little push or encouragement, or just an ear?  Contact me.

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Inward Turmoil

Is there someone who has not experienced turbulence?  In an airplane, our minds no longer believes whole heartedly that it is safe to be 30,000 feet in the air.  The moment we step into an airplane, the cozy and warm cabin tricks us into thinking it's fine to fly higher than even some birds.

The moment the plane shakes, it is as if our brains get rattled out of its slumber.  We start to look around, take in a deep breath or two, and then automatically looks outside the windows.  Funny how even though we don't really believe we'll be in imminent danger, we know something of science is at work.  This science is a little miracle many of us cannot explain in great detail.

Now, take a moment to consider the kind of turbulence we feel in the pit of our stomach.  The kind that only we can feel acutely, individually and fitfully.  There is no way to get at it with our bare hands.  The frown between our eyebrows begins to show.  We start to sink lower and lower, deeper and deeper into darkness.  A battle within us ensues.



So many times, I've felt the tug and pull of inner wrestling.  Silence makes the battle cries too loud to think clearly and peacefully.  Staring directly into it is like a hundred thousand drummers marching in circles around us.  Our screams go unheard and our tears drown us.  Where is help?

No many how many times I've been there, I have never found the way of escape.  Escape comes when it comes.  The inward suffering dissipates just as quickly and suddently as it appeared.  What have I learned?

Hang on!

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Something Lost...

© Amar Qamar

I had it once, now it’s gone
Like a knot it’s been undone
Was once so tight, now so slack
Happy times I wish I could have back
I sit a home, and feel so lonely
It’ll be great if that was all, if only…
Zombie on the outside, the living dead
But so many questions floating around my head
Confusions rains down, it pours
Pandora’s Box, I’ve opened the doors
No sign of anyone who can help
No sense of feelings or of myself
Where I can find the answers
Who am I? What am I?
Am I a dream? Or am I the dreamer?
Am I a thought? Or a complex computer,
How do my thoughts start? What makes them end?
What makes me do this? What makes me do that?
I know I overanalyze, I can’t help it
Thinking and gazing into space, as I sit
Why can’t I accept the wisdom of those around
Not letting myself accept the answers I’ve found
I want to free myself from my mind
And not just to pretend
Everything’s okay everything’s fine
I want to be NORMAL… When it’s going to end….

Source: Depression and Anxiety, Mental Illness Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/depression-and-anxiety#ixzz261Cn1b7e
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Buzzy Beez Giftz

Do good things really come to those who wait?

buzzy beez giftz
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151075830150129.486992.704045128&type=1&l=e5552fcc75

Something good has happened.  I am careful not to get overwhelmed so as to trigger bad outcomes for my health, particularly my mental health.  I want to continue to enjoy making greeting cards, jewelry and crafts slowly, without any pressure to meet quotas.

My goal is to keep doing what I enjoy with my hobby.  If I can supplement our household income by a penny here, a penny there, bonus!  

For a person who suffers with mental illness, each day is different from yesterday.  There is no guarantee that the creative juices will flow today.  So, I do not demand too much of myself.  I want to enjoy my home based business one little project at a time.  And, if someone wants to buy something I've created, I say "thank you".  Pay it forward.

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"And that's a Good Thing"

 I have been making greeting cards since 2009.  My neighbour was very kind to invite me to a card camp party.  I was new in the area, so meeting other ladies and learning something new seemed very exciting and refreshing.  I am so glad I went.  I had fun, and time proved that good things would continue to come.

My husband supported me by allowing me to spend money here and there to purchase tools of the trade.  Kijiji, yard sales, local businesses, and my neighbour helped me complement my collection.  Family members encouraged me by using my cards and with their kind words. 

 This card is VERY special.  It is the first card that "hit the spot" for me.  Every thing came together nicely.  This is the first card since I started making cards that I would borrow from Martha Stewart's "And that's a Good Thing"!  I hope you like it too.

When something nice and happy happens in your mental illness journey, the moment is so much more memorable.  Your heart knows you've done well.  A part of you secretly jumps with joy because you never knew when this would come again.  You debate whether you should acknowledge it because you don't want to scare it away.  Or, you're afraid this is only a dream.  You walk around as quiet as you can so as not to wake from your dream.  Yet, it is in the waking, celebrating, and taking that makes it all the more sweeter.  

Have you ever made something that gives you satisfaction, affirmation and a "sweet hallelujah" all at once?  I hope so.  Then, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Words fail to describe such a monumental celebration!  And, if you don't, keep at it.  Don't give up.  It will come to you.  The wait and hard work are worth it.

I highly recommend it!

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"And that's a Good Thing." ~ Martha Stewart

Too Busy To Blog?!

I am hard pressed to believe that I've gotten behind with my blogging.  I enjoy writing, reflecting, communicating the gems of discovery from moment to moment.  Now, I realized that I have been weeks behind.  How did this happen?

Well, I started a new hobby.  I decided to try something new.  And, I wanted to invest every waking moment perfecting my skills.

Then, something else wonderful happened.  For the first time in years, since I got sick, I was encouraged to take a vacation.  Many people paved the way for this to happen.  My in-laws opened their home to my son.  My husband took me along on his business/training trip.  My sister gave me buddy passes that allowed for cheaper travels.

I've returned from my vacation.  I was able to put some of my crafts in consignment stores for sales and display.  And, I've found a few more avenues to expand my craft, pay for my expenses and even a "workshop" in my home.

The dust hasn't yet settled.  I am still in a flurry of activities and projects.  And, yes, there are still days when I do not want to get out of bed.  Unfortunately, mental illness did not leave me.  But, I have noticed that there are more reasons to get me out of bed.  There are more ideas popping into my head.

And, the best of all...I have to balance how I spend my time!  Alas, to have too much time to do it all...what a wonderful gift!  I am alive again!!!

Superman's Song - Crash Test Dummies

I was the Atlantic Superstore this evening, and someone touched my heart.  An elderly gentleman was ahead of me in the cashier's line up, and the cashier was telling him that her computer was telling her that the garlic bread he had chosen was $2.99, not cheaper as he was led to believe.  He told her that he verified the lower cost with a staff member beforehand.  She called for her manager. The manager tried to adjust the cost to the lower one, but the computer "did not let her."  She said, "Sorry, dear.  There's nothing we can do."  And, off she went to put out another "fire".

By this time, I had surmised what the issue was and mentioned softly to the cashier that this gentleman should get the bread for free for his patience and this embarassing situation.  The line up is growing by now.  The cashier was a very young woman who was conscientious of her responsibilities more than the "real world" situation she's reluctant to be in.  So, I said, "Rules are meant to be broken."  No one will know outside of the three of us.  "I can't," she said, "I can get fired!"  Fair enough.

Well, if she also can't help, what can I do?  Then it occurred to me that I can ask the cashier to ring the bread with the rest of my groceries.  It'll be my treat.  I didn't think my husband would mind.  In fact, I KNOW he wouldn't.  The gentleman showed me his heart surgery scars, and his calves that are purplish blue in colour due to bad circulation, and mentioned that he is waiting for hip surgery. 

When he realized that I would buy his garlic bread for him, he told me that I didn't have to do that.  He and his wife will just have to do what they do all the time when the money runs out after medication, rent and the necessary incidentals.  She sent him to the store to get milk and bread and he couldn'nt even get bread.  That was what they will be having until more money comes in. 

My heart was filled to the brim with sadness.  Surely, helping the needy would cost more than $2.99!  I don't have a steady income because I, myself, is on disability due to my mental illness.  This wasn't the time to talk about me.  I continued to listen to my new friend.  He wanted to know what my name was so he can get his wife to thank me.  I told him not to worry about it, and that I was glad to help.  (I am not bragging...I am trying to tell you that I have been reminded that it doesn't take a lot to lend a hand.)

Something tugged at my heart, so I looked inside my wallet to find a piece of paper where I can write my name and phone number.  Next to that paper was a gift certificate of $10 for Subway.  My husband had won that at some event a while ago and had given it to me.  I passed it on to him after scribbling my name and phone number for my friend.  (Giving my name and contact information to a stranger is not something one does regularly.  I certainly didn't.  Why I chose to trust this stranger is lost on me.)

He never told me his name.  I'm glad he didn't.  I am remembering him by his face, his chest scars, his bad legs, and his upcoming hip surgery.  He called me an angel.  This made me think of Genesis 18, where the Lord and two angels visited Abraham and Sarah in the middle of the day.  Abraham and Sarah hosted them, and this account became a recorded event in one of the most read books of all time.  Abraham was told that he and Sarah (who was eavesdropping) would have a son.

I was placed in that moment so that I would experience how wonderfully empowering it would be to help and to need help.  I am thankful for this opportunity. This situation has changed me.  Someone who is sick can help someone who is in need.  When we think we have nothing, there is probably someone else who has less. If you are given the opportunity to help, and it is within your means, do it!  Do not let the opportunity pass you by. 




Have you heard the song titled "Superman's Song" by the Crash Test Dummies?  The words agree with what I experienced today.  It is good "food for thought."

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"Superman's Song"

Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle
But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent
He would not be caught sittin' around in no
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing

[Chorus:]
Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes
But he could hardly string together four words: "I Tarzan, You Jane."

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home

Once Upon A Time

Sometimes, instead of coming to a screeching halt, Life takes a more positive and exciting road.  The sun shines brighter, the air tastes sweeter, and you walk with a skip every other step you take.  Dreams really do come true!

I'm not really sure how I got here, and I am so busy now that I don't have the time to look back to answer my own question.  Should I stop and look back, or should I continue and match my pace to how quickly everything wonderful is unfolding right before my eyes? Is this the time to be cautious?  Or, should this be the time to let IT show me another exciting thing?

Honestly, I do not know.  For now, I'm going to go with the flow.  It's not often that I wake up and jump out of bed, ready to work hard for the rest of the day.  I'm not doing anything that is hurting anyone, and I am not benefiting from someone else's loss.  So far, it's a win-win...at least from where I'm standing.

The saying goes, "When Life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  And, what if Life is handing me an opportunity to start my own little business in a small, safe, and manageable way?  I have my own little workshop at home.  I have "work hours" again (yippee!).  I have goals and plans, and I have incentive.  I am going to have clients!

A part of me still thinks I'm dreaming.  I cannot believe it!  But, come August 4th...we'll see!

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When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

Happy 40th Birthday

A few weeks ago, I took one teenee, eenee step from age 39 to 40, and I heard a HUGE slam.  No, it wasn't a small click, it sounded more like thick, iron double doors slaming shut!  The type that are locked from the inside using a solid 6x12 plank of cedar.  BOOM.  Officially, I am no longer a thirty-something gal.  I am a forty-something lady!

So, what's the big deal about turning 40?  I can't...

• wear my hair in bright, electrifying, neon colours,
• wear bikini in polka dots with swirls to match,
• colour my nails ten different shades,
• chase the feral cats out of my garden with my super soaker water gun,
• wear silly hats,
• wear buttons or pins that read, "flower child",
• accessorize with "hello kitty" hair clips,
• .........

But, I can...

• highlight my hair in whatever colour I please,
• wear a flattering tankini with a matching sun hat,
• choose rich, deep, and full nail polish colour,
• send my dog out to chase the cats off,
• wear all types of fashionable hats,
• wear buttons or pins that read, "i am woman, hear me roar"
• accessorize with swavrosky crystal hair clips,
• .......

I am not going to let 40 slow me down.  I will not allow 40 to make me cry.  I should not bear any sorrow for growing another year.  Life is about growing.  Life is a journey of experiences and adventures.  40 is just a number, and I will take it up a notch.

What is your age?  That's great!  Happy Birthday is just that...happy!  :)

Crying: Comfort in Unexpected Places

I recall playing near a construction site, against orders from my elders, and stepped on a rusted nail.  I resolved to bear the pain.  I didn't even ask for a bandage for fear of punishment for my disobedience.  I can't remember exactly how long I nursed my pain in silence, but I remember being awake in the night with my foot in excruciating pain. 

That night, my parents were downstairs watching television (black and white, no bigger than 15 inches).  The house was mostly lit by kerosene lamps.  I sat at the top of the stairs in the dark, listening to the activities downstairs and found comfort in their presence.

As an adult, I learned that comfort can be found in unexpected places.  My parents were not initially aware that I was sitting at the top of the stairs, reaching out and drawing comfort from them.  They didn't need to know.  What mattered was that I was comforted!

Comfort can be found in unexpected places.  Tears, whether they are shed from hurt or joy, arouse deep feelings from people.  When we see others cry, there is a deep-seeded urge to protect, guide, hold, hug, comfort, share, lead, love, etc...And when WE cry, we yearn for the same from others.

After I was diagnosed with severe post-partum depression, I cried many tears of hurt, loneliness, doubt, anger, shame, and other self-damaging emotions.  Even in my husband's strong, unwavering, ever-present and unjudging embrace, I hungered for more.  It took almost three months but I soon realized that the comfort I was sought was of the kind I found at the top of the stairs...

My siblings re-adjusted their priorities and needs to allow me to become my parents' primary commitment.  I moved into my parents' house and stayed in the safety and comfort of my parents' help and care for about 9 months in recovery under their roof. 

Without my parents & siblings and my husband's family, I am certain I would not be able to write to you today.  I live with my husband and we share the responsbility of raising our son.  We love our neighbourhood and enjoy the community where we have been in for almost 4 years.  There are more happy than sad days.

So what happened at the top of the stairs?  Eventually, my father found me.  When he asked me why I was awake, I showed him my foot.  I don't remember the rest....just that the next morning they took me to the doctors and I got a tetanus shot.  No, they didn't need to take my foot off (knowing my dad, he probably asked if I wanted them to take my foot!).

Where are you in your recovery from mental illness?  Is this the time you need to ask for comfort?  If so, ask and accept it.  Only after you've found comfort can you begin to recover.  Don't stay in the darkness longer than you need to. If you are not sure how to ask or where to start, talk to your doctor, teacher, parent, sister, brother, best friend, neighbour, grandparent, uncle, aunt, cousin, twin, ...  get the help and comfort you need.

Counting Blessings: One At A Time

Today has been a frustrating day.  Instead of giving an account of the unpleasant things that happened today, I would rather count my blessings, one by one, from one moment to the next, day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. 

On a great day, it is easy to be thankful for our blessings.  On a normal day, this may take a little bit of concentration.  On a day like today, however, it is not easy to see my blessings.  But, this does not mean that there aren't any.

• My parents are planning a vacation and will come to see me and my family.  That's a great blessing! 
• It's summer!
• My son has been accepted into the school of our choice!
• I love what I've done to my room.  I feel good whenever I go to my room.
• My meds are finally working properly!  It took a while to get here, so this is a special blessing.
• My husband loves me, and is committed to our family.  I want nothing else.
• I am going to finally learn some French on my own, starting July!  Exciting goal.

The magical thing about counting our blessings is that once you get started, the blessings just roll off the tip of the tongue one after another.  It no longer matters what kind of day this has been.  In mental illness, we forget that we have blessings too.  Let's not let the gloom discourage us.  Take a deep breath, and start listing one little blessing, then the next, and the next, and soon more will follow.  It works!

Bless you, my friend.  We do not need to handle our mental illness on our own; we can share our blessings with each other!

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Count Your Blessings

by Kelly Johnston

Count your blessings instead of your crosses; Count your gains instead of your losses. Count your joys instead of your woes; Count your friends instead of your foes. Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears. Count your full years instead of your lean; Count your kind deeds instead of your mean. Count your health instead of your wealth; Love your neighbor as much as yourself.

My Greatest Supporters

A thank you letter to my greatest supporters...



Dear You (You know who you are),

You have been standing with me.   You gave up so much for me.  You never asked for anything back.  I could not have come this far without you. 

Mental illness can turn a sunny day grey with storm clouds.  Mental illness can rob happiness of its merriment and leave soggy, stinky socks in a brand new purse.  Mental illness can lie and tell you that all your best friends have turned their backs on you and that even the homeless want nothing to do with you.  Mental illness can make you believe there is nothing and no one, and that you are the reason the world is not right.  Mental illness can tell you that you are taking up valuable space on earth, and that it will be a better place without you in it.

We cried, laughed, walked, emailed, shared, fought, and loved together.  You cared and understood.  You were patient, let me off the hook, and didn't mind my silliness.  You accepted my strangeness, my unexplained tears, and accepted my sadness on sunny days. When I wanted to hide, you covered for me.  When I wanted something, you travelled the world to get it for me.  When I wanted a hug, you gave me the biggest, huggiest loving embrace. When I was angry, you stayed silent.  When I was unreasonable, you let me be.  When I was loud, you didn't mind when others stared. When I couldn't bear to be myself, you loved me.

Without you, I would not dare to commit to a "Year of Wellness" and this goal would not be possible.  You are my greatest supporters!  I know who you are...thank you!

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Taken From:  County of San Diego Mental Health Services

As we begin to understand that we can, in fact, recover from mental illness, our supporters also need to understand and believe this fact. While the personal responsibility ( Copeland, 1997) of recovery lies with us, our families and support teams also have a responsibility to encourage our journey. For many of us, our supporters have been engaged in a supportive role with us for a long time, sometimes decades. We’ve taken on the role of the person who is not quite right, who is a patient, who needs help. Our supporters have often taken on a role that engages with us, according to our identity as a person who is a mental illness (Deegan, 2003).

Year of Wellness

When you have been sick for as long as I have been, believing that you will feel well again can be difficult.  Sometimes I forget what it feels like to be well.  To be honest, I have forgotten what it feels like not to be sick.  It isn't that I dwell on being unwell.  Just, it is that I forget that recovery is possible.

Recovery has many definitions. Webster’s New World Dictionary (1970), defines recovery as: a regaining of something lost or stolen, a return to health, consciousness, etc., a regaining of balance, control, composure, etc.

As I was driving to my doctor's for one of my regular visits, I was shocked to discover that I haven't been envisioning what it would be like to be well again!  I haven't aimed to feel better.  My focus was on anything but getting better!  Was it because I didn't think I would be well?

When I got to my parking spot, I turned off the ignition and had to sit there awhile to gather my thoughts.  When was I planning to feel well?  I don't want to be adjusting my medication, monitoring my thoughts and checking my moods forever, do I?  So...

It was like stumbling upon a lottery ticket.  Or, finding a $100 dollar bill and getting to keep it.  Yes, I want to be well.  I want it to be soon.  Okay!  I am going to "plan" to be well soon.  I will keep striving towards wellness.  This is MY commitment:

This year, I will make my health my number one priority.  My family and I will put our own needs first.  We will work hard on getting better together.  We will get well soon.

Putting yourself first to get better, sooner, isn't selfish.  It doesn't matter how long this is going to take.  Make it  your priority to get well.  I deserve to feel well, and so do you.  C'mon, join me.  We will get well together!

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Road To Recovery

I got to get going
If I don't leave now
I will miss my chance
I got to get moving
I don't want to be late
I have a chance
There is a wide area to let me pass
It is very clear
So I got to go now while I can
There is no one to stop me
I got to get going
The road of recovery is just ahead of me
I can trust my beloved to help me
I got to get moving to recovery
If I miss the chance there is no turning back
There is no one to stop me but myself
I must follow the road to recovery
I got to go now
The clear opening is closing
I must make my choice now
I'm running
Running as fast as I can to the end of this road
I will be able to live again
I'm got to keep moving
I don't want to end this way
I'm on the road to recovery
There is no one stopping me
I got to keep moving
This will be my new beginning
I must keep going
On the road to recovery... 

Credit:  Munches2008

May I Babysit Your Child?

If you know that I suffer from mental illness, would you be comfortable putting your child in my care?  For a little while?  Just 15 minutes?  For 5 hours?  Over a period of time, or once in a blue moon?

What would make you feel comfortable?  If there's a track record of children regularly in my care without any accidents or mishaps?  Or, if I work alongside a co-worker in a supervised childcare facility?

Or, do you need to know the nature of my mental illness?  Would you request a doctor's note?  Or, seek references from other parents who have had their children in my care?

I applaud the parent who is unafraid to seek information, references, professional opinion, etc., before putting their child in the care of an individual.  Do not be afraid to ask about someone's track record.  It is NOT an infringement of privacy if someone offers childcare services.  Your child is an important person whose safety, happiness and health are of utmost importance!

As a responsible parent who suffers from mental illness for the past 4 years, I understand the trials of being a caregiver.  Sometimes, I am simply not able to care for my own child with maximum attention.  This is just an aspect of mental illness.  Consider this definition:

Mental illness is what it says; it is an illness of the mind in which a person to some degree loses control over aspects of their thoughts and/or their feelings. It can be very mild- such as mild depression when things look much worse than they are - or very severe - for example when a person’s life is totally dominated by an illness such as schizophrenia, and they cannot live independently.

Having said this, I trust you will not use my illness as a reason to ostracize me.  I am a human being who is worthy of being treated respectfully.   The unfortunate statistic is such that many families have to deal with mental illness in various degrees of severity.  As a society, we must learn to deal with mental illness in careful, healthful, and helpful means.  A community that reaches out for the best of every person thrives.

 

References

 

“Being seen and heard”: the needs of children of parents with mental illness: multi-media training pack for use of staff involved with parents and their children.

Gopfert, M., Webster, J. & Seeman, M. 2^nd edition (eds) (2004) 'Parental Psychiatric Disorder' - Distressed Parents and Their Families. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

• Revised by the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Child and Family Public Education Editorial Board.
• Series Editor: Dr Vasu Balaguru
• With grateful thanks to Dr Alan Cooklin.

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More Information

Crossroads care for youngcarers
Information and support about being a young carer including information about local groups.

MDF: the Bipolar Organization

Supports people with a diagnosis of manic depression and their families.

Princess Royal Trust forCarers

Information, advice, discussion and support for carers, and young carers: YoungCarersNet: http://www.youngcarers.net/

Rethink Mental Illness

Offers information and advice to people with severe mental illness and their carers.

Minds, Myths and ME booklet, produced by four British young carers, available from the Royal College of Psychiatrists. 

‘When a parent has a mental illness’: film for young carers by Dr Alan Cooklin.